by Rusty Scribes
Kaiser Permante, the largest health care provider and employer in California, has often been late to the game in regards to covering treatment for modern behavioral addictions. Experts say that they were at least 10 years late in recognizing video game addiction as a behavioral disorder that should qualify for treatment. It is no surprise then that they have just recently decided to cover Hip Hop Hypnosis even though the disorder has been around for decades.
For you sheltered people out there, hip hop hypnosis is an affliction caused by listening to rap music for long periods of time. It affects all races and genders. Kaiser has finally published a list of telltale symptoms and signs of the disorder. If you or a loved one demonstrate any of the following, you should seek a mental health representative without delay.
- Involuntary Nod Reflex – Nodding your head to sounds that aren’t music like traffic signals.
- Ad-lib Tourette’s – Swearing about money or your sex life.
- The invisible suitcase syndrome – It looks like you are carrying two invisible large suitcases when walking. This can coincide with gait synchronization to whatever track your listening to at the moment.
- Lowered waist syndrome – You think your waist begins halfway down your buttocks and wear your pants accordingly.
- Tacky jewelry purchases.
- Slow motion strut and glance over shoulder – constantly looking for cameras.
- Directional confusion – Loses the ability to understand basic directions like north, south, east and west. They may only know what coast or neighborhood they are representing.
According to a Kaiser spokesperson treatment involves the following:
- Wearing a firm cervical collar for long periods while listening to hip hop.
- Ten hours of social linguistics study to help patients understand their Tourette symptoms.
- Watching videos of Mr. Rogers and retired educators walking and trying to copy their gaits. Kaiser has determined that this is effective in getting rid of swag.
- Physical therapy that includes tightening a belt designed by Kaiser that prevents pants from sagging after removal of all kitsch jewelry.
- Patients will be provided with therapy while sitting in rooms with no security cameras. During these sessions they will be provided with compasses and maps to learn directions in their communities.
Kaiser Permanente asserts that these specialized treatments provide essential clinical support, ultimately fostering healthier, more focused behaviors within the patient and the broader community.
In conclusion, if you, a friend or relative are suffering from hip hop hypnosis, there is hope.