by Mark Pinot

I was raised by very dignified parents. They didn’t drink, swear, or speak ill of others. In fact, I had never heard my mother or father swear in my entire life. My early childhood life before school was simple. I played games in our large backyard, occasionally visited friends, enjoyed dinner with my family and went to bed early. It may be hard for some of you to believe but by the time I turned five years old, I had never heard a swear word. Yes, you could say I lived a rather sheltered life.

One day a neighborhood boy and I walked to a hill above a field. We were just hanging out like kids do. Suddenly, I yelled out at the top of my lungs.

“Cocksucker, Mother fucker, shit and diarrhea licker.”

Not to be outdone, my friend yelled out.

“Pussy pussy cunt cunt asshole piss drinker.”

And that turned out to be just the beginning. We were yelling every cuss word that we thought ever existed. 

“Dickwad, jizzcock, shit eater, hockeyballs,  cumbucket,” we continued.

It went on and on until we got tired or maybe we just started to feel guilty. I’m not sure. A lady who lived in a nearby house heard us and called my mother to let her know what a foul-mouthed child she had. I was in trouble and sent to bed.

While lying in bed, I felt really guilty. Where did these cuss words come from, I thought to myself. Could it be the devil? 

Later on, when I entered school my swearing vocabulary expanded due to environmental factors.  The kids I would get to know in my neighborhood and school knew a lot of very nasty words but that did not explain how I was able to cuss before I had heard cuss-words.

As I got older, I often looked back at that day on the hill when I was five. I now know there is no devil who takes over the tongues of young children but where did these words come from? Clearly, due to my sheltered upbringing, I am absolutely certain I did not learn them from other children.

It would take several decades for evolutionary scientists to provide me and the world with an explanation. 

Turns out, scientists have long puzzled over the phenomenon of children spontaneously uttering obscenities, despite never having heard them before. Now, a groundbreaking discovery by evolutionary biologists has shed some light on this perplexing behavior and they say it’s all caused by the swearing gene.

According to Dr. Louise Vanderscoop , lead researcher on the project, the swearing gene is a dormant genetic sequence that lies in our DNA until triggered by certain environmental factors. These factors can include stress, frustration, or simply the overwhelming desire to express oneself in the most colorful language possible. 

“The gene evolved most likely from our ancestors who found swearing useful in situations that they had no control over,” she speculated. “The swear words are somehow sent to the neurons in our brain, principally the left lobe but it is still unclear how the nasty words are passed from generation to generation and if there are variations due to linguistic background. That’s the big mystery,”  she continued. “Clearly, future research is warranted.”

“It’s like a time bomb ticking away in our genes,” Dr. Vanderscoop explained. “Once the fuse is lit, the swearing gene explodes, resulting in a child’s sudden and unexpected command of the most vulgar language.”

Parents, understandably, have been left reeling by this revelation. “I’ve tried everything,” lamented Mrs. Gertrude Anderson, whose three-year-old daughter has a penchant for calling her teddy bear a lop-sided piece of shit. “I’ve read her bedtime stories about the importance of polite language, I’ve put her in time-out for every swear word she utters, but nothing seems to work.”

The discovery of the swearing gene has also raised ethical questions about genetic testing and child-rearing. Should parents be able to test their children for the gene before they are born? If a child is found to be predisposed to swearing, should they be raised in a swear-free environment or would that even matter?

As scientists continue to study the implications of the swearing gene, one thing is clear: children’s potty mouths are not simply a phase. They are a genetic predisposition, passed down from generation to generation, a testament to the enduring power of profanity.

So if your child calls you a cock sucking mother fucker when you put him or her to bed don’t stress. It’s just a genetic inclination. Your child needs to express him or herself in the most colorful language possible and they just can’t help it. Go easy on them.