by Stephen Popoff

There seems to be no shortage of religious cults that have come out of California but a new one with a fast growing membership has caught the eye of the Japanese toilet industry.  The cult which calls itself Ten no Atsuryoku or Heavenly Pressure involves the use of meditation techniques while sitting on electronic toilets. The cult was started by Martim Farto, an Irishman, who claims to have had a vision of the Virgin Mary while using high pressure in oshiri (bum) mode on a trip to Japan.

Farto, a former book publisher, claims that every time he uses high pressure mode, all his sins seem to be wiped away and it is like being born again. When he got back to Ireland, he shared his spiritual awakening experience with friends and about 20 of his acquaintances soon ordered top-of-the-line electronic toilets from a company called Toto. 

Soon they would have weekly zoom meetings while sitting on the pot. Farto began to introduce chanting in Latin to these sessions like Pange Lingua while adjusting the water pressure.

Sing my tongue,

The savior’s glory

Several of these early members claimed to have had out of body experiences, visions, and exalted feelings of well-being. Farto tried to share his spiritual discoveries with the Catholic Church but was accused of blasphemy. He and his followers decided to pack up their toilets and head to California. 

To make a long story short, within two years, the Heavenly Pressure cult had over 3,000 members who had also all purchased Toto Toilets.  They meet on Zoom every Friday and Sunday, chanting and reporting their visions to each other while adjusting the water pressure to their liking. 

Farto charges a fee for membership and has become quite wealthy as the cult leader. This drew the attention of Noriaki Kiyota, the CEO of Toto, who demanded that Farto pay the company royalties.

Farto argued back that Toto should pay him royalties for the free advertising he provides the company. Since then however, Toto’s stock price has gone through the roof and Farto’s self-help book titled “Finding God in the High-Pressure Setting: A Meditation Guide for the Modern Pooper has become a bestseller.

Mr. Kiyota, while on a zoom meeting in bum mode with Farto, agreed that it was in the company’s best interest not to interfere with the Ten no Atsuryoku cult. At the end of the Zoom meeting, both Kiyota and Farto yelled out Hallelujah and all was good and still is.