by Stephen Popoff

“The definition of a nincompoop is someone who owns a pet that has the same carbon footprint of a mid-size SUV over its lifetime,” declared Dr. Louie Hook at a recent cognitive science conference.

Dr. Hook, a cognitive scientist from El Cerrito shocked the pet owning community recently by declaring that a recent study he and his colleagues conducted has proven definitively that dog owners are significantly less intelligent than cat owners or people who have no pets at all.

The surprising discovery came about as a secondary revelation in a two year study on how different age groups and genders process information and make decisions based on their IQ. Dr. Hook told the Dragonfly Report that pet ownership status wasn’t initially even going to be considered as a variable in the study until he noted some dog owners behaving badly at the outdoor seating area of a local coffee shop and just had a hunch.

“I was sitting in front of the coffee shop in Berkeley enjoying a morning cappuccino, reading the news on my IPAD and making small talk with the locals when several dog owners showed up,” explained Dr. Hook. “The dogs began barking loudly at each other, completely destroying the atmosphere. I expected the owners would walk them away rather than disturb others but they didn’t. They were completely oblivious to the effect the barking was having on the general atmosphere and the owners just stood there laughing and smiling. What a bunch of nincompoops, I thought to myself! Little did I know that two years later I would prove just that,” he continued.

According to Dr. Hook, the study included over 250 people ranging in age from 18 to 75 and the goal was to see how intelligence varies with age and gender. Subjects were required to take the Standford-Binet test at the beginning and end of the two year study. 

“I decided to ask pet ownership status out of curiosity on the initial survey even though it wasn’t really related to the study,” he said. 

It turned out that 50% of the participants were dog owners, 43% cat owners, and 7% no pet or other type of pet owner, he explained. Although they didn’t publish pet ownership status in the study, Dr. Hook told the Dragonfly Report that the dog owners scored significantly lower than cat owners on all areas of the test.

“The mean score of the dog owners was about 20 points lower than that of the cat owners which I think closes the argument for good,” he exclaimed. “Dog owners are nincompoops. Cat owners are reasonably smart.”

We asked Dr. Hook if there were any smart dog owners?

“There are always exceptions to any model but don’t count on it. Just look out your window right now and you’ll probably see someone walking their dog and letting it pee on your tree or flowers.”