by Stephen Popoff

It is a well-known fact among ornithologists that most male birds including parrots lost their penises hundreds of thousands of years ago. Over time, the penis gradually transformed into a cloaca and this is how modern birds have sex and procreate. The male mounts the female, the female adjusts her tail to the side and then it’s simply wham bam thank you ma’am.

But as scientists are acutely aware, there are some anomalies in nature and evolution. This is a story about a detective named Greg Schneider who fell in love with a legless Yellow-taped Parrot named ChinChin on a trip to the Amazon five years ago. When ChinChin was found by ornithologists in the state of Amazonas, they were quick to note that he did not have any legs but was able to perch by wrapping his six inch long penis around branches. Yes, you read that right. Somehow ChinChin developed a penis just like his ancient ancestors had a million years ago.

The ornithologists weren’t sure what to do with ChinChin but it was obvious that he was a very intelligent parrot. He was able to repeat language very quickly but this is a known characteristic of this particular species of parrot. What was unusual is that he eventually was able to respond to questions. This truly baffled the ornithologists and they weren’t sure what to do next.

Greg Schneider was traveling in Brazil with his brother Phil, a noted ornithologist from the San Francisco Bay Area when they had a chance to meet and observe the special parrot. Phil promised the Brazilian ornithologists that if he could take ChinChin to America, he could use the latest technology to figure out why he had a penis and how he was able to respond to questions.The Brazilian ornithologists agreed and thus began ChinChin’s unusual adventures in America. 

Phil and his colleagues studied the parrot for two years but got nowhere. Their conclusion was that ChinChin was just an anomaly, a rare genetic variation. In layman terms, you could just say he was one of a kind.

Phil gave ChinChin to his brother Greg who was quite fond of him to take care of. Greg was a private detective who specialized in adultery and infidelity investigations.  Greg quickly figured out that he could use ChinChin in his practice.

One of Greg’s clients suspected that his wife was cheating on him when he went away on business trips. Greg thought if his client could take ChinChin home as a pet, he may repeat things he heard while he was away on business trips. He might even be able to respond to questions. It was worth giving it a shot. 

Greg explained to his client about how ChinChin’s penis wrapped around the perch in the cage to stay upright. The client took ChinChin home and told his wife who loved pets that he was taking care of him for a friend for a couple of weeks. He was about to go on a business trip to Los Angeles and this is how ChinChin’s career as a detective assistant began.

When he returned from the trip, both he and Greg sat in front of ChinChin and waited. This is part of what they heard:

ChinChin made the sound of a doorbell.

“I missed you baby.”

“Let me slip into something more comfortable.”

“I want you so badly.”

“Take it off quickly.”

Suddenly, ChinChin became silent and Greg and his client just sat there waiting. Finally, the client blurted out, “What happened next?”

“I don’t know. I got excited and fell to the bottom of the cage.”