by Stephen Popoff

The California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR) announced that it will soon fast-track a program to drastically reduce prison terms for inmates who volunteer to be crash test dummies. According to a spokesperson from the Government Accountability Office, crash test dummies are currently made of rubber, steel, and vinyl and do not provide a complete picture of what would happen to a person in an actual crash. But what if we could get real humans of different shapes and sizes to strap up? The data would be significantly more accurate leading to the design of much safer vehicles. The CDCR agrees and is hoping that many inmates will volunteer with the enticement of a reduced sentence. 

“We have 100,000 inmates of all shapes and sizes currently serving time in California prisons for everything from drug possession to capital murder,” explained Doug Durbrow of the CDCR.

“If we offer reduced sentences, I’m sure there will be no shortage of volunteers and we will get the data we need to produce safer vehicles benefiting society as a whole,” he added.

We couldn’t help asking Mr. Durbrow about the ethical implications of using prisoners as crash test dummies.

“It’s always the unincarcerated libs who worry about these kinds of things. If you’re an inmate serving a life sentence without parole for murder and we offer a chance of freedom in 15 years if you agree to a frontal crash at 65 mpg, you might see things quite differently,” he continued.

He mentioned that those serving time for lesser crimes like breaking and entering could get reduced sentences by volunteering for crashes at lower speeds like side barrier crashes at 35 mph.

According to Durbrow, the act of volunteering as a crash test dummy is an honorable one making the prisoner instantly a productive member of society. This improves his self esteem and makes him less likely to reoffend.

“It’s a real win-win for the state, the auto industry, the health care system, and the prisoner if he survives the impact,” he reminded us.

“We will also cover the recovery costs for those injured and the funeral expenses for those who die from the impact,” he promised. “There’s a lot to be positive about.”

The CDCR believes that the formula for a safer California is longer sentences for those who commit crimes and then the chance to make amends by volunteering your body as a crash test dummy.  Time will tell if the program will be successful but if you’re thinking of committing a crime in California, get ready to buckle up.