by Stephen Popoff

The history of the domestication of dogs is a fascinating one. It has been suggested that all domesticated dogs have a common extinct wolf species from the late Pleistocene age as an ancestor.  One thing scientists are certain about is that it is very unlikely that a wolf from that period would allow another wolf to sniff its asshole.  Most evolutionary biologists agree that if a wolf from that era stuck his or her nose near the asshole of another wolf, a fight would have ensued most likely ending in the death of one of the wolves. 

Why then do modern domesticated dogs sniff the assholes of their fellow canines freely and frequently without any apparent consequence? According to dog historians, it all goes back to a dog convention held about 10,000 years ago. 

That was a time when domestication was well under way but the inner-wolf still had a stronghold on the individual canine. Breeds were beginning to emerge but nowhere near as defined as they are today. In fact, it was the breeding initiated by humans which started to create friction between these new emerging breeds of dogs. Chihuahuas complained about their small stature, cocker spaniels didn’t like being thought of as cute, and great danes said they felt awkward. There was intense jealousy between some of these up and coming breeds which led to fights and even death. Something had to be done. 

A dog called Garu by his human masters and most likely an early example of what would later be called a border collie took it upon himself to become a peacemaker. He organized a large convention in Anatolia in what is now Turkey and ordered all dogs from all the up and coming breeds to meet in a large wooden structure in an area now known as the Karapinar Desert. His goal was to create peace between the new breeds and to discuss best practices to prevent the loss of their inner wolf. 

Much is still unclear on what happened during the convention but a scroll recently discovered by anthropologists in the dessert revealed Garu’s words outside the wooden structure before the convention began.

“My fellow canines. It is clear we can never go back to being wolves again. The human species has been breeding us for their own amusement and slowly diminishing our call to the wild. I know there is intense hatred between some of you from the different breeds the humans have imposed on us.  For this reason, I am demanding that before entering the convention center that you leave your assholes outside. You can pick them back up on the way out.”

According to historians, the convention was going well. There were agreements on how to maintain dignity and respect between the different breeds. But suddenly, and unbeknownst to the dogs inside, a wind storm was brewing and heading towards the convention structure. By the time it reached the building, Garu declared that the convention would have to be postponed to another day for safety reasons.  He advised all the attendees to leave in an orderly fashion and to pick up their assholes before going home.

Turned out that was easier said than done. The assholes were caught up in the strong winds and were being spread out all over the landscape. In a panic, dogs could be heard screaming out, “where’s my asshole?” The assholes were blowing further and further away. In multiple acts of desperation, dogs would pick up the first asshole they could reach and stuff it in place. 

The dogs eventually went back to their homes but they never felt complete. They had another dog’s asshole and another dog had theirs. That is why until this very day the first thing a dog will do when meeting another dog is sniff its asshole. It is hoping someday to be made whole.