by Rusty Scribes
Dr. Tittleman demonstrating his ‘You’re not telling me everything’ look.
Legendary Berkeley psychiatrist, Dr. Mark Tittleman, has revealed that after a long career providing psychotherapy to Bay Area residents at his Martin Luther King Junior Way office, he no longer believes that therapy is worth the time or money that his hundreds of clients have spent at his clinic over the past three decades.
“They would have been better off just masturbating,” he proclaimed.
“I’ve profited well over the years dealing with people’s personal problems, childhood events, or so-called traumas,” he told the Dragonfly Report. “I learned the tricks of the trade early as a young therapist. Never let patients think their issue is resolved. Always string them along. More sessions equal more money and I loved the money. I even practiced in front of the mirror every night perfecting an expression I called the ‘you’re not telling me everything’ look. That look kept them coming back for more,” he said smiling.
“In the beginning, I thought I was helping and maybe there were a few brief moments where I thought I had made a breakthrough but looking back now I realize these breakthroughs were an illusion,” he added.
Dr. Tittleman told us that everybody has problems, no lives are perfect and therapy simply doesn’t work the way we think it does. He said he kept in touch with former patients and most still had the same issues they had when he worked with them years ago.
“You just have to deal with shit that happens in your life,” he continued. “If you want to pay someone $120 an hour to listen to you, that’s your prerogative but now I just tell patients who come to see me to save their money. Give me 50 bucks and listen to the voice of the ages. Stroke the dolphin. Spank the monkey. Flick the bean. Choke the chicken. Grease the oyster. Polish the clam. Right when you’re at maximum pleasure, I want to to you repeat this. ‘Gam Ze Ya’ avor’ which means ‘this too shall pass’ in Hebrew. Then have a glass of wine or whatever and be thankful you’re alive. Your problems are trivial in the grand scheme of the universe.”
“I’m getting a lot of “thanks Doc” messages on my cell phone these days and ironically, I feel like I’m a better therapist now than when I was stringing my patients along at $120 an hour. $50 an hour for telling the truth just feels right,” he said as he tightened the lid on a jar of vaseline.